Behind Rayne's Mind

 

My life drastically changed shortly after my 15th birthday. I was sexually assaulted. 

I was diagnosed with Severe Depression and Severe Anxiety. A couple of months had passed and I had been given a new diagnosis; Anorexia Nervosa. I was not prepared for what life had in store for me. Soon it would be insomnia, and then a very dangerous addiction that only became worse day after day. I was in and out of the emergency rooms, waiting to be stitched up. After a while, I stopped caring. I didn’t care if I was left with uneven scars (I wish I cared). I was deteriorating every minute. I have attempted suicide three times. I was admitted into an inpatient program at a hospital, I stayed for a little over a month. I was terrified on my first night as any human being might be, but what came next only made things worse. A police officer carried me out of my room at two in the morning because someone in our unit had intentionally started a flood that was knee deep, that same girl caused a lot of problems. The next week I had found her hiding in my room because she had done something bad again and didn’t want to get caught. 

One of the nurses at the hospital weighed me one morning and looked concerned so I asked her what my weight was. She told me. That was when I began speaking to someone about the possibility of struggling with an eating disorder. 

I was eventually discharged and I only went downhill from there. I lied to almost every on call psych at the emergency rooms so I could just go home and avoid going inpatient. 

Trigger warning below; I speak about sexual assault.

A few years have passed, I’m 18 now. In a relationship (or what I assumed was a loving relationship) with a rapist. I had my suspicions while we were together but I didn’t seriously think about it, or think it was even a possibility. I was highly intoxicated and high on whatever he would give me. One morning I was informed by his friend that we ‘had sex’... confused, I glanced over at my ex and back at his friend and didn’t say a word. I tried to remember what had happened that night.. but I couldn’t remember a single thing (nor did I want to at that point). After that comment was made, I paid closer attention to my body when I became conscious again. Sure enough, I noticed quite a few things after every time he forced himself upon me. Eight months later, I was scared, he was controlling and aggressive, I didn't want to be around him. We broke up. I wasn't fully aware of what happened to me during that time period until I came across a handful of articles that were focused on this issue. After the realization hit, I was a complete and utter mess to say the least. I began severely self-mutilating myself, which led to extremely haunting flashbacks and nightmares. 

At nineteen I was working at a very toxic place. I was bullied by my verbally abusive boss who didn't give a rats ass about anybody but herself. She always gave me shit for having a learning disability. I cried plenty of times from what she has said to me. Eight little words stick with me to this day; but it should just click in your head. I lasted nearly a year, after all of the bullshit I went through and experienced (I couldn't believe how she treated customers), and being written up for things that were out of my control, I blew up. I stood up to her one day and basically told her to stop treating me like shit. A week or so later, I threw the keys at her and quit. 

I am now a young adult, in my twenties, and I occasionally have flashbacks or triggers that instantly start a panic attack. I can't drive through particular neighbourhoods, watch certain TV shows or movies that go into detail without tearing up or full blown crying. 

Although I don't struggle with anxiety and depression nearly as much as I used to, I still have hard days and weeks where I just don't care. I struggle with endometriosis which is a very common chronic illness that many women also cope with. Endometriosis sometimes causes severe depression because it gets very frustrating constantly being in pain and not being able to do everyday tasks most people would find easy. There are times when my anxiety is so bad I feel embarrassed, I shy away from people I love. I am on different types of medication that are helping me along the way. After being on a handful of different antidepressants and antianxiety meds, I finally am on a couple that seem to be helping.

After years of trying to force a relationship with my birth father, and getting nowhere, I finally gave up. After being told he was dating a woman who is four years older than me, I felt disgusted and told myself that was the last straw. It was always one sided, no effort on his part. He has a new family, and so do I. When I was into writing poetry, most of my pieces were about him and the agony he caused me. I even published a short book of poems a few years back. I could write thousands of stories about that man…. 

As I get to the end, I realize what I am sharing is only the tip of the iceberg but it's a start. I have often thought about writing a biography about my life. I have more than enough to write about. I tried to poke at different topics about my life, just to give you a gist of what I have lived through and continue to live through. 

To end on a positive note, I have been through crazy life experiences and horrifying events, but I am still alive, and those experiences have made me so much stronger. I may have battle wounds all over my body but they make me into who I am today; a strong, confident human being. I am not always confident, it does take practice and patience, but I am slowly getting there.

 

 

Rayne B.

Canada

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