Behind Kali's Mind

 
     My story starts in grade 3. I was a happy child with no worries until grade 3. I was in softball and got hit with a ball in my head which knocked me out. After that, I had a huge lump on my head and began to feel different. As a kid on the playground I couldn't help but bump my little head on every metal bar in the playground. If that had an effect on my life or not, my problems started shortly after my head injury. I began noticing how different I was from everyone else. Maybe that was the stage I was at -- I'm not sure. I became quiet and wished I was like everyone else. In grade 4, I noticed I was slightly bigger than some of the girls in my grade and that put a big wrench in my gut for years. I spent my grade 5 and 6 recesses in the library as many days as I could putting books away to be alone. I was scared of embarrassment I was scared I wouldn't have anyone to be with outside in play time, I just wanted to be alone. In high school we ate together as a class until we got licenses, then everyone would be gone by the time I had gotten my lunch from my locker and I'd be left alone. That really hurt me. So instead of eating alone at school and having all the younger people see how much of a loser I was, I left and ate out on a back road where I hoped nobody would find me....alone. I've spent my whole life alone. Being alone leads to overthinking and overthinking leads to depression. I don't know when my depression started. I know I was depressed in high school -- being alone, having nobody, and never fitting in quite right. After high school was the same. I went to college for 2 years and made 2 friends. Nobody interacts with me. Somedays I wonder what would happen if I disappeared. But you never do right. If I can explain one thing about my depression, it feels like a hole in my chest that's never filled, it feels like I'm constantly being scolded for something as if I'm in an impending doom. I could cry any second of any day. Most days I just can't get out of bed and I don't even know why. I am only 20 years old, and I know I've been depressed for 9 years now. I don't know if I'm bipolar or if I have underlying problems. But I know I am not right. I have suicidal thoughts very often. I have dark nightmare dreams that haunt me during the day. Just last night my dream I was unable to breathe like I was choking yet nobody would help me, I woke up and I could remember the feeling of choking in my dream like it just happened. My dreams had caused me to go to the psych ward for the first time. I couldn't take it anymore, my dreams haunted me during the daytime so much I was paralyzed. I have been in abusive relationships whether they were abusing me or abusing drugs or some sort. I have been introduced to many things I wish I could take back. I have many addictions I wish I didn't have. I always feel like an awful person and I hate myself 24/7. If I had all the time in the world this could go on and on with how deeply I ache inside but I think by now you get an idea. I have been trying medication and trust me I have been through many, many different medications before I found one that slightly made a change for the better in my life. Instead of for the worse. Many medications I tried made me worse, more manic than ever. Medications are hard and take time to find the right one for you. I still wonder daily if my medications are doing anything for me and I know when I am not on them I feel way worse than I do when I am on them. I hate to admit this will be a life long struggle for me but it will be. And I'm still learning to cope with my depression but I know some days are better than others and I fight for those days.

 

Kali S.

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