Behind Ayesha's Mind


I believe in everyone's life there are good times as well as dark times, the time we don't like to mention in front of anyone, the time of self hatred, the time when suicide feels like the only option, the time where healing feels like mystery. I am that someone who has suffered from various phases of Major Depressive Disorders (MDD) while living most of her life without even knowing. Any psychologist would have made the diagnosis if my parents had a little bit more awareness. For many years, I didn’t know that reality. Truthfully, I thought my life was composed only of varying shades of darkness. People always talk about what happens during the episodes of MDD but nobody talks about how it's like to be even when the episodes are over. Deep inside you are so afraid of everything that makes you happy. Only isolation feels like real friend. Everything that suppose to make you happy makes you cry. You have a constant fear in the back of your mind that something bad will happen soon or this depression phase will come back and it does. (Once you have a major depressive phase, there's a 50% chance that a second episode will come out of nowhere and hit you like a ton of bricks and an 80% chance that the third phase will happen as well, and before you know it it's chronic.) For someone who has MDD, it's hard  for them to believe on words like "real satisfaction" and "self love." They keep avoiding people so they don't get attached. It's too hard for them to speak up for themselves. Important thing to remember is that depression kills you sooner than cigarettes. I learned that the hard way. Sometimes all you have to do is to live for yourself. Wake up and get ready for your day, create your best look, eat your favorite breakfast and tell yourself you won't get worry about the things you have no control. Give it your best. There are some days where all you have to do is to invest your all energy to make yourself happy and to not worry about others' happiness. If you are afraid to be with someone who has MDD, don't be. These people are usually very empathetic and had a deep insight about others feeling. They know how it's like to be left out. Now that I have acknowledged these things, I find everyone so brave who speaks up when something is bothering them. I never had the courage to do that. Bringing up the topic doesn’t mean you’re a whiner. Quite the opposite, it means you’re a proactive and trying to find an effective solution. Your mental health is important. And you are very brave to do that.


Ayesha S.

Rawalpindi, Pakistan

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